12 Autistic Adults Answer - How To Tell Your Child About Their Autism Diagnosis [including scripts]

These are selected answers provided anonymously to parents who chose to get the full picture and ask autistic adults through Spectroomz Ask An Autistic Adult. We strongly recommend reading everything.

The question submitted:

“Hi! Our child is turning 6 and we think he’s not aware he’s autistic. We didn’t tell him. He is highly intelligent and verbal with adults and in a regular pre-school with non-autistic kids. He should start first grade next year on a regular school. We were wondering what would be the best timing and way to tell him about it. How was it like for you?”

Answer #1 - “It’s never too early to celebrate your little one’s neurology and individual personality so that they can know their authentic selves”

Short answer, yes! Finding out you're autistic can be a little jarring at first, but mostly it comes with a ton of understanding. That understanding prepares the autistic person to face the world on fair terms. For example, knowing helps us understand why we feel so different sometimes. Knowing also helps us learn about our unique sensory and development needs and prevents us from developing intense masking habits that lead to mental illness and burnout. I recommend the book All Cats Are on the Autism Spectrum because it is a fun, age-appropriate way to introduce the topic without creating a sense of embarrassment or alienation. It’s never too early to celebrate your little one’s neurology and individual personality so that they can know their authentic selves. Best wishes to you and your family!

Answer #2 - “You telling him that he is autistic, could help him understand that miscommunications happen not because there is something wrong with him, but because autistic people think and feel things differently

Hi, 

Your description resonates a lot with my own story. I was just like your son. In fact, I finished high school and college with stellar grades without knowing I was autistic. He will be able to do it, but not without struggling emotionally. The best time to tell your son that he is autistic, is now. He may not know that he is different, right now. He may not fully understand it until years down the road. But I can assure you he feels it, he experiences the impact of the differences, every day. Childhood is a critical time to nourish your child’s self esteem and self love. And every time that he struggles to keep a friendship, or read a social situation, will be engraved in his memory as a fault of his. You telling him that he is autistic, could help him understand that miscommunications happen not because there is something wrong with him, but because autistic people think and feel things differently. They sometimes think and feel more, or less, than most people.

Regarding the best way to tell him, my opinion is informed by how I would have liked to find out, and my experience as an early learning educator. An autistic child always understands the world better when it is explained in tangible terms, not metaphors. Therefore, I would begin by explaining the Brain as a body part that we cannot see but it is inside our heads. Show him pictures, or videos. I would tell him everyone has a Brain, that we use it to think, and feel, and learn. I would then introduce him to the word “autistic”, by mentioning that his Brain is different, because he is autistic. Be prepared to explain to him that not all people are autistic, other people are non-autistic. And then I would explain that he is probably very good at doing some things, and not so good at doing other things, and that is okay. Being autistic, like he is, means he can feel different from his peers, but he is still a child like they are. Remind him gently that whenever he struggles at doing something, he can ask someone to help him. Give him a list of people he can pointedly ask questions to. 

I applaud your decision to ask questions, to be informed about the best way to raise your child. 

Best of luck in this process. And as a gentle reminder, have infinite patience, with yourselves and with him. 

Answer #3 - “actually getting a formal diagnosis was a god-send”

I will preface this with saying that I was your child’s age in the early 1980s when there was nearly no autism awareness and certainly no training of teaching professionals on what it is or how to deal with it.  I was not diagnosed with high-functioning autism until four years ago.  I always knew I was not like everyone around me.  Once there was information readily available about autism, I began to suspect I might be autistic, but actually getting a formal diagnosis was a god-send.  This allowed me to put many of the vague impressions and feelings I had over the years into terms I could explain easily to other people.  Before that, I could say I did not like certain things, but not why.  Now, I can tell people why something is different for me than it is for them in generally understood terms.

First, I can almost guarantee that an intelligent 6-year old recognizes that he is “not like everyone else.”  I was more advanced than most of my peers from a young age, and I was aware early on that I was not like other people.  He may not have terminology to say how or why he is different, but the fact that he is different is probably clear to him.  I personally would tell him now.  Tell him and give him tools to address the world around him.  The sooner he knows, the sooner he can learn to navigate.

Start helping him understand that teachers are going to teach to the overall population because they have to.  Tell him that this way may not work for him because of the autism, and he may have to ask for more help or find a different way to learn things, but that is not a bad thing.  The sooner he understands that he is simply hardwired, for lack of a better term, in a different way, the sooner he can adapt rather than wonder “Why can’t I be like everyone else, or “What’s wrong with me?” 

I have no idea what the current environment is in non-autistic schools, but I would be hopeful there may be resources in place.  Regardless of what the school may have, you can access lots of tools online that will give you ideas of how to explain autism.  I would suggest giving a list of things that are often found among autistic children, and then tell him “You may have some of these or none of them.  You may have some of these one day, and then they go away the next.  Understand that there are a lot of people who are autistic, and you are not alone in the world.”   I never encountered anyone remotely like me growing up.  I did not think that bothered me until the day I first watched the original Star Trek series, and I saw Mr. Spock.  I was a lot like him, especially with how I talked more formally and took things literally.  Better still, while he was different from everyone, he was vital, needed, and relied upon.  Even though he was a character in a story, the fact that he existed at all told me that there had to be others like that out there or they never would have created a character like that.  Just knowing he is not alone in the world in his experiences may do your child a lot of good.

One major difficulty I had, and I understand it is a common issue for autistic people, is I never intuitively learned how to read facial expressions and social cues.  I believe I have seen flash cards that help with that.  I had an extremely awkward period in college where I actually asked people to explain what they were thinking and feeling while they had certain expressions.  I had to tell them no, I really have no idea, I never learned this stuff, and I need it, so please help.  I had to program in “this face means this emotion, this face means this one.”  The earlier you can get him help with that, the smoother his life will run.

I will offer words of caution–children can be extremely cruel to anyone who is different.  That being said, I can also say that nothing my teachers or my father tried to do was ever as effective in making bullies stop as me finding the courage to stand up for myself.   Finding ways to help increase self-confidence and self-acceptance can reduce bullying, as bullies generally look for weak victims.  

As a suggestion outside the scope of your question; I have had many friends who successfully helped their autistic children by enrolling them in martial arts and/or dance.  Both are excellent at helping a child develop more control over motor skills, and both can be wonderful for self-confidence..  I have been in both, and I loved the repetitive motion of practice.  Once I had the patterns down, martial arts katas were amazingly helpful when I had moments where I was overwhelmed.  You just focus on your breathing, your movement, and let everything else in your head go.  A good martial arts school teaches first and foremost that violence is never to be used against someone except as a last resort.  Dance can be the same, as you put the music on and just move.  

Answer #4 - Let him know soon, casually and keep the explanation simple and positive. Use books.

Hey!

It’s great that you’re looking to tell your son that he is autsitic! I fully believe that letting a child know about their neurodiversity early on can be greatly beneficial. Here are my recommendations:

1. Let him know as soon as possible.

Letting him know he is autistic will help give him words to express what he is going through. For example, I grew up not knowing I was autistic. It wasn’t because my family neglected to tell me, but because they didn’t know either and a lot of my traits were overlooked by teachers and doctors. However, I always had this feeling that I was different from everyone else. As I grew older, I started acquiring negative labels from others and including myself. Some of these included “lazy”, “slow”, “shy”, and “weird”. People would constantly ask me why I was so quiet and didn’t talk very often. I never had an answer for them because I didn’t know how to explain something that just came natural to me. It wasn’t until adulthood that I finally had words to put to my experiences. I’m a semi-verbal autistic and I am different in the way I process and perceive the world, but that doesn’t make me any of those previous negative labels. Knowing I’m autistic has given me permission to give myself more grace, to understand myself better, and to advocate for my own needs. 

2. Keep explanations simple and positive.

While it is important he has an accurate understanding of what autism is, it also doesn’t need to be brought up in detail all at once. I recommend starting by just mentioning it in casual day-to-day conversations to emphasize that brain differences are normal. Bringing it up casually can help him feel more comfortable talking about things he is experiencing. As a child, I often wouldn’t tell others difficulties I was having sensory wise because I was afraid of being seen as a problem, burden, or weird. I would often minimize my own experiences to simply fit in and not draw attention to myself. This has led to major burnout in my adult years and more issues with alexithymia. 

3. Let him know that he doesn’t have to tell others if he doesn’t want to. 

Let your son know that he is under no obligation to tell his peers about being autistic if he is uncomfortable doing so. Personally, I don’t keep my neurotype from anyone, but I do understand there is still a stigma attached to autism simply because others fail to understand what it truly is. Unless it’s a situation where a teacher or caregiver needs to know to help meet his needs, I would leave the decision to tell others up to him. If he does decide to tell others, it may be handy to pre-prepare him with some answers to common questions he may get. 

4. Try introducing age appropriate books and shows that feature an autistic child that he can relate with. 

I didn’t fully understand or believe I was autistic until I watched various YouTube videos from other autistics that openly talked about their experiences. Hearing and seeing what others have gone through helped me to see the same things in myself. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone and that what I am feeling is valid. There are several good children's books out there that can help introduce your son to autism while still keeping it age appropriate in a way that he will understand. As a child, I greatly preferred having a book or show that I could consume at my own pace to explain things rather than having a conversation.

Answer #5 - “The point at which your child begins to struggle with social activities in relation to friends, teachers, and crushes is probably the best time to tell him”

The point at which your child begins to struggle with social activities in relation to friends, teachers, and crushes is probably the best time to tell him, especially if you suspect he is being bullied, or that his friends aren’t really friends. He may or may not ever experience such things, but it is probable that he will. I advise this strategy because there’s not too much benefit to him knowing beforehand until autism has the power to explain the difficulties he is experiencing in his life. You will likely need to explain autism to him multiple times throughout life as different social troubles come up. This is because it is unlikely he will fully understand during the first disclosure just how much autism may be affecting him. You will probably need to relate each new relevant social trial he experiences to his autism in some way, as you encourage and help him to solve his social issues.

For example, if you move, especially far away, your child may have a lot of difficulty settling in, and without some form of intervention the stress will add up over time. It may be good to tell him after the move that he has autism, especially if he has difficulty picking up new friends or if he seems to be depressed. He may not understand why he feels the way he does, and he may even feel in conflict with you over the move, despite your and even his best efforts to avoid the turmoil. This may appear to happen all of a sudden, so don’t let it surprise you and instead be prepared to give him an explanation that will empower him to work through the challenge of the move. Whatever you do, don’t be too harsh on him should he blame someone in particular that he believes is at fault. Turn the conversation away from fault and take the opportunity to teach him about autism and explain that the way he feels is completely natural and that he’ll get through it.

Also, if ever he should ask one or both of you if there is something different about him, or if he should directly ask if he is autistic, you should both be in agreement beforehand that it’s good to answer his question honestly on the spot. Even if your spouse is not privy to the conversation, and even if he is an adult. If he asks why you didn’t tell him sooner, be truthful. You may have any number of reasons why you waited to tell him, but among them are probably that you weren’t sure if telling him would have helped and that it may have made it even harder. Don’t feel the need to defend yourself should he make accusations, just ask him how you can help from now on. You were only doing the best you could. And in any case, it’s a great opportunity to learn from him in what ways you can actually help him, and for you to tell him that it changes nothing when it comes to the love you have for him. 

The way in which you tell him should make clear that it is not a shortcoming and that it does not make him worse or better than other humans. It just gives him different strengths and weaknesses as compared to the norm. Make sure to do your best to be patient and understanding. Social interactions, even with his parents, will likely never be his forte.

To summarize, if you see him struggling socially and you believe that telling him he has autism has the power to explain his predicaments in life, you should proactively tell him, otherwise wait for him to come to you if he ever does. 

Answer #6 - “The most important part of your conversation is for him to know that autism is not bad or scary”

Hi!

I read your question and have some of my own advice on the matter. 

My thought would be that it is better to tell him now than later. Since your son is very intelligent, he will likely understand what you are getting across if it is explained in a child-friendly way. I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 16, so I was confused when I was younger as to why I did things differently than other people. Giving him a grasp on autism now may alleviate some of that confusion growing up as well as preparing him to become a better self-advocate in the future. 

When you decide to tell him, make sure that he doesn’t feel scared or intimidated. If he is in an uncomfortable situation when you first explain the diagnosis, he may continue to associate it with those negative feelings later on. Instead, start the conversation in a casual environment, like on a car ride or when he is playing. Since autism is a part of an autistic person’s everyday life, an everyday activity is a good time to bring it up. 

The most important part of your conversation is for him to know that autism is not bad or scary. It is a way of thinking that affects people’s lives in a different way than a neurotypical person may experience. You also may want to explain some things about sensory or social difficulties. There are a lot of sources that explain autism in a way that is easy for younger people to understand (for example, this article by KidsHealth https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/autism.html that seemed to have a pretty competent grasp on the matter). 

When picking an article or book, you will want to iscreen it first to make sure that it is autism-affirming, and doesn’t look for a “cure” or way to “fix” autism. Many children may also feel intimidated by “clinical” language that they hear at places such as the doctor’s or dentist’s office. If they associate this kind of speech with anxiety, they may feel anxious when they think or hear about autism. This may also add to the “disease” narrative. Sources intended for children (such as the example given above) use vocabulary that is non threatening and appropriate for their age level. 

Lastly, I would want him to know that nothing changes from this diagnosis. Autism is something that people are born with and experience their entire lives, so he has already known what it has been like to be autistic for the past 6 years. Autism is something to be understood and accepted as a part of the human condition, not to be changed. I have found that the more in touch you are with yourself, the more you can accept yourself as an autistic person. If you teach your son the general point of self-acceptance, he will likely be more willing to accept his autism diagnosis as well. 

I hope this question could help you. Good luck to your family going forward in the future! 

Answer #7 - “I think the best timing to tell him is right now. But do it in a loving and kind way” [script included]

Dear parents,

your son might not be aware, that he is autistic, because he is not able to read the DMS-5 (yet) and as a result he doesn’t know the traits, that classify him as autistic, however and I can not emphasize this enough, he is aware that he is different than the other kids. We just know that our peers (same gender) know that we are different. The awareness grows every year that we live until we are diagnosed. That might be the reason why autistic kids sometimes tend to hang out with the opposite gender (autistic boys with girls and autistic girls with boys), because they are less aware that we are different - and the same applies for socializing with adults. I’m a girl, autistic, gifted, and yes I was verbal with adults too. Furthermore I have attended regular pre-school and regular school. I understand the reason why you want your child to attend a regular school. Today I am grateful that my parents made that choice for me too. However it wasn’t easy at times, because the other girls didn’t like to hang out with me. I was excluded. For autistic children it’s much easier to make friends with like-minded children (the kids in the computer club or the engineering club or the arts classes - or whatever special interest your son is fostering - or might want to foster in the future) - the children, that either have a few autistic traits themselves or they have siblings with autistic traits. I was diagnosed pretty late. But even before I officially got diagnosed, I naturally gravitated towards other (undiagnosed) autistic people or people with (at the time undiagnosed) autistic family members.

I think the best timing to tell him is right now. But do it in a loving and kind way. And help him to get in touch with other “nerdy” children. His tribe. It will save him from feeling lonely, isolated, in pain, rejected and depressed. It will save him from the experience “not being liked for being himself”. 

If I had an autistic son, I would explain him being autistic in the following way:

My dear son, you are a bit different than other children. Your brain is wired a bit differently. That isn’t a bad thing. It’s just different. It doesn’t make you superior to other children, but it also doesn’t make you less than other children. Being different comes with certain advantages and certain disadvantages. With your advantages you can try to help other people and the world in general like Steve Jobs and Elon Musk and a few pretty cool guys before them. But also be humble and kind towards other people - and don’t belittle them for not having your advantages, because they are having advantages, where you are having disadvantages. Like they need you, you need them. The world needs all kinds of minds - and they all need to work together as a team.

A side note: Maybe it would be worth taking some time to teach your son how to meditate (something with sound, movement and meditation) - even if it is only 6 to 10 minutes before school, 6 to 10 minutes after school and/or 6 to 10 minutes in the evening. It helps to release stress and anxiety and it can help him to stay calm, centered and grounded. Also it can prevent him from getting into alcohol and drugs as a way to release anxiety and stress in the future (as a teenager).

I wish you all the best for the future - and no matter how hard it gets I hope you will be able to love him unconditionally always.

Answer #8 - “my parents were told I might be autistic when I was younger…I wish they had shared this information with me”

Hello, parents!  

I was not officially diagnosed as autistic until I was 20-years-old (I’m now 28). However, my parents were told I might be autistic when I was younger, as a result of a neuropsychological evaluation I had done. I wish they had shared this information with me at the time and, even though it’s not my parents’ fault they didn’t know sooner, I also wish that I could have known I was autistic for all my life. 

I always knew I was different but I didn’t know why. My parents first suspected I might be on the spectrum when I was in middle school and that is also when my feeling different started to have major consequences on my self-esteem and mental health. I had no explanation for why I felt different - why some things were harder for me than for others, why I had a hard time socializing with my peers, and why I was often anxious or overwhelmed or in pain from things like loud noises and sock seams. Being that I had no other explanation, I only had one conclusion to draw: I was broken. 

I felt very deeply that something was wrong with me, that I was hopeless or a failure, and generally a weak and less desirable type of person. 

I know that when parents are hesitant to tell their child they are autistic, that is actually what they fear their child will feel. They are afraid that being given a diagnosis will make their child feel broken or like something is wrong with them. I’m here to tell you: that is how we will feel anyway. But it isn’t how we have to feel and it isn’t how we have to feel when told that we’re autistic. When I first learned I was autistic at 20-years-old, I was so relieved. Here is an explanation for everything! This is how my brain works! I was born this way! I felt empowered. I felt proud of who I was, because now I understood who I was and I could know my weaknesses AND my strengths, and I could learn and grow. Self-knowledge is empowering. Self-knowledge is life-changing. 

Please, tell your child he is autistic and tell him as soon as you can. But when you tell, don’t tell him it’s a sad or negative thing. Tell him, “This is a name for how your brain works”, “Your brain is unique, just like everyone’s” “There are other people with a brain like yours and they are living wonderful, happy, successful lives”. “When we know how our brains work, we can know why we feel what we feel and how we can get what we need”. This is how you should tell your child and you should encourage him to come to you with any questions. If you don’t know the answers, ask autistic adults. We’ve been there. You can also introduce him to famous people, historical figures, fictional characters, and local friends who are also on the spectrum. You should treat “autistic” as no different than telling him the color of his eyes or the texture of his hair or the shape of his smile. “Autistic” is the shape of his brain and that is a wonderful thing to know. 

Answer #9 - “Do your best to answer his questions as positively as you can in terms of difference, rather than “problem”, “trouble”, or anything else negative, but do NOT lie or sugarcoat anything” [script included]

Dear Parents:

I’m a 47-year-old Autistic woman who was finally diagnosed about 2 years ago.  I identify with your son so very much, as our childhood situations sound very similar.  

I connected socially so much better with adults than I did with kids my own age.  I knew from the age of 4 that I was different from everyone else, but I couldn’t figure out why.  No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just couldn’t ever manage to “fit in”.  As a result, I always thought there was something horribly wrong and intrinsically bad about me that made me unacceptable and unlovable, and that strong sense of wrongness and unworthiness and shame has stayed with me to this day.

When I was finally diagnosed, it was such an incredible relief!  I finally knew WHY I was so different, and knowing that my difference is just an ordinary variation in the human brain has allowed me to start letting go of the pain and shame of a lifetime of feeling like an evil alien and being rejected.

I share all of this so you can understand how exceedingly important it is to inform your son about his diagnosis as soon as possible!  

You need to tell him IMMEDIATELY in an age-appropriate manner so he won’t make the same kinds of damaging assumptions about himself that I, and pretty much every other late-diagnosed Autistic person I know, have made about ourselves.

At the next convenient moment, when everyone is calm and rested and fed (perhaps after a snack or after dinner), you should sit down with him and have this important conversation.  I’m going to offer a script to cover what I believe are the most important points, but you will need to adjust it to meet his needs and his specific details and knowledge.  

You haven’t mentioned stimming as an issue, so I haven’t addressed that here, but you can use a similar approach of giving concrete examples of his experiences and explaining that it’s just a difference that other people react to if you need to address stimming and other typically Autistic behaviors he may display.

SCRIPT:

“Hey, Son, do you remember when you visited Dr. Specialist and she gave you all those tests?  I’d like to talk about that.  Is now a good time?”  (If he’s distracted or otherwise not up to it at the moment, negotiate a different time.)

“So you already know that people are different from each other in all kinds of different ways.  Some people are tall or short.  Some are boys and some are girls and some are neither or both.  Some like chocolate and some like vanilla.”  (If you are not comfortable talking about gender identity with your child, you can use a different example, but I would encourage you to read this article and the studies it cites to understand and be prepared that your child is more likely than a neurotypical child to be a gender different from the gender assigned at his birth. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/gender-and-sexuality-in-autism-explained/)

“Well, when Dr. Specialist gave you all those tests and talked with you, she figured out one way you are different.  You are Autistic.  Your friend Autistic Friend is Autistic too, so you and he are like each other but different from other people!”  (If your son has no Autistic friends, you could use the Muppet Zoe from Sesame Street or any other positive fictional character as a relatable example instead.)

“Being Autistic means that your brain is different from most other people, and it works in its own special way.  Sometimes this means you are better at certain brain work than other people, and sometimes it means you have to work harder to do certain other brain work than other people.”

“You know how you’re really good at spelling/math/reading/memorizing stuff?  Well, part of that is because you’re Autistic.  You know how you love finding out and telling people everything about dinosaurs/trains/computers/insects/buildings/Legos?  Part of that is because you’re Autistic.  You know how you really enjoy having long conversations with Aunt Favorite Aunt/Mr. Favorite Adult about science/video games/plants, and you like spending time with Mommy and Daddy’s grown-up friends?  Part of that is because you’re Autistic.  These are all things that your brain does better than other kids because you’re Autistic”.

“There is also some brain work that being Autistic makes harder.  You know how sometimes you don’t quite understand something your friends at school said, and then they get upset?  That’s because you’re Autistic, and your brain understands things in a different way, and it’s confusing to a lot of other kids.  You know when you get really excited about something and the teacher gets frustrated with you because you can’t stop talking really loudly about it?  That’s because you’re Autistic, and your brain has a hard time telling your voice how loud it needs to be for other people to be comfortable.  Your brain also gets so excited about the things you love, that it just wants everyone to know how awesome that thing is, and so it makes it hard to stop talking, even when other people aren’t as interested in the awesome thing as you are.”

“Being Autistic can make it hard to know what other people mean when they don’t say exactly what they want to tell you.  It’s a little bit like when your friend Juan speaks Spanish, and you can’t understand him.  Other people use English words in a way that isn’t always really clear, and your brain can have difficulty understanding those people.  And sometimes they will misunderstand you, too, because they expect you to use words the same way they do, but because you are Autistic and your brain works differently than theirs does, you use words your own way.”

“And the thing that is hardest for Autistic people is that your brain doesn’t understand feelings the same way other people’s brains do.  You know how when you’re really upset about something, it can be hard for you to say whether you’re sad or scared or angry? That’s because it’s harder for your brain to decide exactly what kind of feeling it is that you’re having.  It’s also pretty hard for your brain to help you figure out what other people are feeling if they don’t tell you with words.  You know how I can look at you when you’re upset, and I know that you’re upset, even if you don’t tell me?  That’s because my brain helps me figure out how you’re feeling by the way your face looks and the way your body looks and the sound of your voice.  Your brain has to work a lot harder to do that, and sometimes it just won’t be able to do it.”

“That does not mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you’re a mean person, it’s just one way you’re different because you’re Autistic.  Some people will be unhappy about that, because they won’t understand that it’s just something that’s different about you, and those people may not be very nice to you because they’re unhappy.  When those people aren’t nice to you, you must always remember that it is because they don’t understand and they’re unhappy.  It is NEVER because you have been bad, and it is NEVER your fault.  It’s just a misunderstanding that has confused them, and they will either figure out that you are a very kind and caring person whose brain is a little bit different, or they won’t, and that is all THEIR problem.  If they keep being mean to you, you should tell a teacher, and then don’t play with them and try to ignore them.  You should also tell me, so I know how you’re feeling and how I can help, because I love you very much, and your feelings are important to me!”

“Some people will really LIKE that you are different.  I think you’re an amazing and wonderful person, especially because your brain works differently from mine!  Other Autistic people already understand how your brain is different, and it will be easier for your brain to understand them, and you will probably have a lot of fun playing with them!  Some people think that it’s really cool to be different, because it’s much more interesting to talk with someone who knows things you don’t already know!  It’s fun to learn about new things from your friends!  And you will meet other people who love dinosaurs (or whatever his special interests may be) as much as you do, and that will be exciting, too!”

“What questions do you have about being Autistic and what we’ve talked about today?” (This phrasing is important, so please don’t change this one question.)  

Do your best to answer his questions as positively as you can in terms of *difference* or level of work/difficulty, rather than “problem”, “trouble”, or anything else negative, but do NOT lie or sugarcoat anything.  If something he does because he’s Autistic frustrates or upsets or angers or scares “normal” people, be honest about their reactions, but try to explain it in terms of their emotions, and not that he’s done something wrong (unless he has actually done something objectively wrong or mean on purpose, which is a whole different issue).

“I know this is a lot of new and important information, so I think you should take some time to think about it and to figure out how you feel about it before you tell all your friends.  This is special information about you that you should only tell to good people who are kind.  Let’s plan to talk about this again on (a day approximately a week later), and then you can decide who you might want to tell and we can figure out how you would like to tell them.  Does that sound like a good idea to you?”  (We Autistics have a tendency to broadly announce any new and interesting thing we come across indiscriminately, so this is important to help him learn who to disclose to and how to disclose.  There should NOT be a stigma, but we all know there is, so this is a lifetime skill.  You’ll also need to tell him which adults know, such as teachers, counselors, doctors, relatives, friends, etc.)

“I love you very much, and I’m really excited to see all the fascinating things your different brain will do as you grow up!  When you have any questions about being Autistic or feelings or why other people react in certain ways, please ask me!  We can talk about this any time you feel like it.  I may not always know all the answers right when you ask, but I will make sure to find them out for you or to find someone who can explain the answers better than I can!  And if I say something in a way that you don’t understand, please tell me that, too.  I want to make sure that my words to you are clear and not confusing and don’t frustrate you!”

At some point you’re going to have to explain to him about social norms and expectations and rudeness vs. politeness and manners.  Most of these things are likely to seem stupid to him, because most of them are not logical at all.  You should acknowledge that these things don’t make logical sense, but you’ll have to explain that because we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings, we learn to do certain things certain ways, and here are the “rules”.  But unless he asks about that now, I wouldn’t address it in conjunction with this conversation.

Bright blessings to you and your Son, and peace and joy to you as you explore his brain with him!

Answer #10 - “When I look back to my childhood, I am glad my parents did not tell me I was autistic”

When it comes to telling your child they are autistic, I believe the “how” is much more important than the “when”. I was never told as a child. It was not until my now wife suggested it that I sought out and received an autism diagnosis. We will be parents soon, and I have spent many hours considering how and when to explain autism to our children, if indeed they are autistic as well.

When I look back to my childhood, I am glad my parents did not tell me I was autistic (if they even acknowledged it themselves). This is not because I would not have wanted to know, but rather an acknowledgement of times and my parents’ view of the world. In the early to mid 1990s, when I would have likely been diagnosed, there existed only rigid autistic stereotypes, without much room for distinct individuals. My parents, based on my experience, would have imparted those damaging stereotypes onto me. And they would not have stopped there. My parents would have tried desperately to “cure” me. They would not have embraced the characteristics that make me unique, they would have regarded them as abnormalities that needed to be “corrected”.

Even with loving intentions, parents may unintentionally lead their autistic child to develop a negative self-image and restrict the child’s potential for success and fulfillment. If one of my children is autistic, I plan to begin a healthy process of teaching them about themselves as soon as I believe they are able to process and understand it. I believe it would be helpful to begin the process (and I do think it should be a process) before it becomes necessary. If, for example, you were to wait until the child faces challenges at school, there would be a risk that the child had already begun to internalize negative feelings about themselves or feelings of “otherness”. It is also important for the parents to confront their own preconceptions about autism before beginning to share with their child.

The process of telling a child, as I see it, involves first asking yourself “why” you are telling your child. Personally, my motivation in telling my child would be several fold. 1) I want to start them on a life-long process of learning about themselves and developing an ability for them to look at themselves honestly and compassionately. 2) On some level, learning anything about yourself will likely require some reflection and acceptance, and I want to start the journey of self-acceptance early. 3) I want them to begin to see their differences (and those differences that will become apparent later) as simply a part of their unique self, rather than traits that need to be changed or be ashamed of. 4) Likewise, I want them to know that even though they may face different challenges than their peers, they also have unique strengths. We want to teach our children not to ignore their challenges, but to be kind to themselves and learn to adjust their environment to them and to have confidence to ask for what they need. 5) I want to explain to my child that these differences make them who they are and that, whenever they feel alone, they should remember there are millions of people of all sorts that see the world as they do. They will, with the self-acceptance and self-compassion they learn from their parents, will find others who will accept and love them as they are.

Answer #11 - “when you have this conversation with your son, I would explain autism using the social model in an age-appropriate way”.

I am so glad you asked this question! There is so much information that I’d love to go back in time to give to my parents that I think would have made life as an autistic kid much easier. I’m thrilled that I can share it with you!

While your son might not be aware that he’s autistic, it’s very likely that he is aware that he is different from the other kids at his preschool in some way. Even before we’re told we’re autistic, a lot of us find ourselves wondering why we’re struggling with something that seems so easy for other kids, or, at minimum, we have a vague feeling that we’re not like other people but we don’t know exactly why. Some of us, myself included, start feeling this way long before we’re old enough to articulate that we feel different. In my experience, that feeling of being different becomes more apparent as we get older and interactions with our peers start to get more complex.

My answer to how you should tell him is informed by myself and others’ experiences of “feeling different” and the ubiquity of that experience among autistics. My short answer is:

1. Tell him as soon as possible. He is young, but kids should know they’re autistic and be able to ask questions and go through life armed with that knowledge. Some parents make the mistake of not telling their child until they’re older, maybe in their teens. I will elaborate on why this isn’t the best choice.

2. When you tell him he is autistic, be deliberate in how you frame that information. A neurodiversity-affirming approach is best.

When I was a child, my understanding of my autism was through the lens of the medical model of disability (you can read more about the social and medical models here and here). As a result, I internalized that my brain was “deficient” and struggled with my self-esteem when I couldn’t keep up with neurotypicals. This was very confusing, because the well-meaning adults in my life would also tell me, “you can do anything you set your mind to!” or “you’re not different, you’re just like everyone else!” I knew the latter was not true. The former made me regard my struggles as personal failings rather than a failure of my society to understand or accommodate me.

Children who aren’t told they’re autistic have a similar struggle without the benefit of knowing that there is something real and substantially different about them. They have the same thoughts - “why can’t I do this thing that is so easy for my peers” - and their self-esteem suffers just the same. They also view their struggles as personal failings, but with no idea why they’re struggling in the first place.

Learning about the social model of disability in my early 20s truly changed my life. I realized that there was never anything inherently wrong with me. I sometimes struggle because society is not built for me. When kids are taught about autism this way, they’re in a much better position to maintain a healthy self-esteem and to develop a positive autistic identity. 

So, when you have this conversation with your son, I would explain autism using the social model in an age-appropriate way. If he has already felt that he is “different,” he will now know why and have the tools to interpret his experiences. If he has yet to experience feeling “different,” you will have put him ahead of the game and he will be equipped to interpret his experiences when he does start to feel that way or faces unexpected challenges. 

I hope that this is helpful! I’m sure there will be many more conversations about autism that you have with your son in the future as his understanding of what that means for him deepens. This is a good starting point to set the stage for those later conversations and put him on track to becoming an informed, empowered neurodiverse person with a healthy sense of self. 

I’m happy to help if you have any further questions! Your son is very lucky to have parents that understand the value of the knowledge and lived experience of autistic adults in giving him a happy and fulfilling life.

Answer #12 - begin to open a dialogue where he feels free and open to share his confusions without shame or guilt.

Hello,

To answer your question directly, I would recommend that you communicate closely with him about his social interaction with peers and if/when there arises conflicts, begin to explain to him about different neurotypes by explaining that others may feel or think about things differently than he does, and begin to open a dialogue where he feels free and open to share his confusions without shame or guilt.

My awareness of social order began developing more complex understandings around the time I was in first grade, and because I (or my parents) didn’t know I was autistic at that time I didn’t feel that I could talk about how I was feeling with them, or with anyone, and that left me feeling isolated. 

Feel free to stop reading here, or keep reading if you would like some more insight on my personal experience as a highly empathetic, extroverted, autistic person regarded as highly intelligent. 

I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, even though my parents were prompted to get me tested when I was a child. 

This was partly because I didn’t seem to have any learning delays, and in fact I was assessed by all adults as “highly intelligent” throughout my childhood and adolescence. 

As someone extroverted with a high empathy sensitivity, I thrived in kindergarten and informal environments surrounded by family and friends. 

Grade 1 was when there was a significant change in my behaviour. 

There may have been externally contributing factors that affected this sudden change, but from my memory, it is when I realized that I was somehow different from my peers, though I could not figure out how or why. 

Of course as a small child (youngest in my class) I had no idea of the social complexities surrounding mental and social ability, so I only felt confusion and shame as if I’d perpetually done something wrong. 

In this way, my intellect was more a curse than a blessing, because I began to analyze and dissect every possibility that I might have made a mistake in, and became trapped in an endless toxic mental loop of overwhelm and shame that still causes me issues to this day. 

I’ve never considered myself disabled because I’ve never had any trouble navigating my physical environment or struggled to keep up with my studies or social life. 

However, when I was diagnosed I realized that I was overworking myself, which was the cause of my depression, anxiety, and other mental illness symptoms, in order to participate in society the way that society expects. 

The diagnosis allowed me to break free of the expectations that kept me barely functional, and unlocked all of my strengths and talents that I had been neglecting in favour of spending all my energy just fitting in. 

I am still in the process of unburying myself, but the change so far has been unbelievable. 

Through my own acceptance of my unique needs, and the support of my family and their acceptance and accommodation of my needs, I have been able to create an environment where I can thrive and use my natural skills and talents to better the world around me, not just for people like me, but for everyone who feels oppressed by the current status quo in any way. 

I think it’s important that people regarded as highly intelligent, autistic or not, are able to have moments of weakness where they feel supported, even if they are unable to communicate their emotional needs, because even high intelligence is still at the mercy of emotional reactions.